It's a laugh a minute on this page.

Judge: "Why did you kill your parents?"
Boy: "I wanted to go on the orphan's picnic."

Young Johnny went to his mother & asked to be excused. "Wait a minute," said his mother, "and I'll take you up to the bathroom shortly."
"But I want grandma to take me", pleaded the lad.
"What's so special about Grandma?" asked his mother.
"Her hand shakes."

A guy is staggering through the desert, on his last legs, when he suddenly finds a piece of meat. He picks it up, eats it, feels better & walks on. After a short while he finds another piece of meat which he eats, and then carries on. This goes on for a few hours until the man finally catches up with a leper walking through the desert saying, "She loves me...she loves me not...she loves me...!"

A Welshman went for a job. The interviewer said to him, "We will have to give you a small test as the Welshman we have recently interviewed didn't have a good command of the English language. Can you give me a sentence using the word 'great'?
The Welshman replied, "I've got a donkey jacket & I think it's great."
The interviewer said, "That's pretty good. Now give me a sentence using the words 'great' and 'fascinate'."
To which the Welshman replied, "I've got a donkey jacket and I think it's great, it has nine buttons, but I can only fascinate."

There is a man gambling in a casino with lots of 'borrowed' money and a fairy comes & sits on his shoulder. He is playing pontoon when he is dealt a seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for £500. Naturally he doesn't trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He is dealt a five, bringing his total to twelve. The fairy advises him to buy another card for £500. This he does and gets a three. "Buy another one for £500." says the fairy. This time he gets a five, giving him a total of twenty with four cards. The fairy tells him to buy another for £500. He thinks to himself that the fairy has been right so far, so he complies and gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his shoulder crying, "You jammy bastard!"

A honeymoon couple had booked a week on the farm. On their arrival the young man drew the farmer aside and said that they would come down for their meals when they were hungry. Days passed and still the young couple did not emerge from their bedroom. One morning the farmer shouted up and asked what they were living on. "The fruits of love", came the reply. "Well stop throwing the skins out of the windows, 'cos my ducks be using them for wellies."

A VD germ was crossing the road and narrowly missed being run over by a lorry. "Phew", he
exclaimed, "I thought I was a gonorrhea."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!." Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away." and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them" then slams the door in his face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car windscreens. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

A lion's walking along in the jungle. He goes up to an ostrich and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The ostrich says, "You are, lion."
The lion goes up to a hyena and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The hyena says, "You are, lion."
The lion goes up to an elephant and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The elephant smacks him with his trunk, picks him up, twirls him around over his head a few times, smashes him into a tree, and tosses him about 30 feet. The lion gets up and says, Sheesh! You don't have to get so annoyed off just because you don't know the answer."

When I die I want to go like my grandfather--in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

A burglar breaks into a church. He's searching around in the dark when he hears a parrot say, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar aims his flashlight at it and says, "You're a pretty bird. What's your name?" The parrot says, "My name is Zorba." The burglar says, "A parrot named Zorba? That's pretty weird." The parrot says, "Not as weird as a pit bull named Jesus."

Slightly overweight man sees an advert in the paper: 'Come to our gym and we guarantee that you'll lose weight in one session! We even guarantee how much weight you'll lose!
  1 stone for £50
  2 stone for £100'
Well, he thinks about it and decides that it's worth a go for £50 so he turns up at the gym. He's instructed to strip and follow the coach to the gymnasium proper. When he's standing there feeling slightly embarrassed, a door opens and a stunning blonde, buck naked, wanders in. 'If you can catch her,' says the gym owner, 'you can have her.'
He's off!!! Up the ropes, over the pommel horse, the beam, the rings, the machines, trying to catch this blonde. Just as he's about to catch her, she darts out the door she came in by. 'What's going on?' demands the punter. The gym owner takes him to some scales and gets him to stand on them. Sure enough, the punter has lost a stone in weight.
That night, on the way home, the punter is thinking: 'If I've lost a stone already I'll be quicker... wonder what I'd get for £100????' With a smile on his face, he returns the next day, strips, and is lead back to the gym by the owner.
Once again the door opens, but this time a 450lb gorilla lumbers out. The gym owner turns to the punter and says, ' If he catches you, he can have you...'

After a tragic accident, a bus load of nuns die and find themselves queued up outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter. He arrives, and asks the first nun if she's ever touched a penis. The nun blushes furiously and admits that she did once, with the tip of her finger. "My child, dip the tip of your finger in this Holy Water and you may go through," says St Peter. The second nun admits to holding a penis once. "My child, dip your hand in the Holy Water and you may pass," he says. Then he hears a huge commotion at the back of the queue.
"Sister Mary, Sister Agnes, what is the fuss all about?" he demands...
Sister Mary stops short and turns to him and says, "Well, if I've got to gargle I want to do it before Sister Agnes sticks her arse in the water!"

The Seven Dwarfs were in a catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking they whispered and giggled amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden Dopey stands up and says "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church?". "No" says the priest "there are no midget nuns in the church". A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest. Soon Dopey stands up again and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?". "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city and no midget nuns in the church" says the priest. Again, the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again Dopey sands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the State?". "No my son there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city or in the church" exclaimed the priest obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference. Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country". The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No my son there are no midget nuns in the church, city, state, country ... there are no midget nuns in the whole world, now SIT DOWN". Soon afterwards a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey f_cked a penguin, Dopey f_cked a penguin, Dopey f_cked a penguin"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Frenchman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Frenchman opened his lunch and said, "Pate and bread again! If I get this stuff one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Frenchman opens his lunch, sees the pate and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Frenchman's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer. They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The MBAs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer. When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK buy 1000 Microsoft shares" the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere".
On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal."Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
As the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone." "That's OK," the Japanese executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax."

Darren and Sharon in the Over-23s-only disco pub somewhere in a British pub. And they're dancing away, but after a few pints of Carling Black Label, Darren needs to go to the lavatory. Now, old Darren's a bit of a possessive type of chap, so he says to Sharon "Right then, Shaz, I'm goin' for a piss, so I don't want any geezers messin' wiv yer. Alright?" and Sharon says "Awright, Darren, no problem", and off Darren goes.
A couple of minutes later, this little guy, only about five foot four, sidles up to Sharon and says " 'Ello, darlin' " and she replies "You can't talk to me, my Darren won't like it.". And the little bloke says "I don't care. You know what I want to do to you? I want to flip your titties out of your bra and tweak your nipples". "You can't say that, my Darren's gonna go ballistic". "I don't care. You know what else I'd like to do? I'd like to take your panties off and lick your arse", "You can't say that, my Darren's gonna break your arms". "I don't care. You know what else I'd like to do? I'd like to turn you upside down, fill your fanny up with lager and drink it all out wiv a straw". "Oooh, my Darren's gonna rip your 'ead off and piss dahn your throat!". "I don't care" says the little bloke and disappears up the other end of the bar.
So Darren comes out of the toilet and says "Awright then, Shaz?" and she replies "No! You see that geezer down the end of the bar, you know what he said to me? he said 'e wanted to take my titties out my bra an' tweak my nipples.". " 'E fuckin' never!", exclaims Darren, taking off his jacket and about to go steaming in to the little bloke. And Sharon says "An' you know what else 'e said? he said 'e wanted to take my panties off and lick my arse". "The c--t, I'm gonna 'ave 'im" says Darren, rolling up his sleeves. "An' finally, d'you know what 'e says? he says he wants to turn me upside down, fill my fanny up wiv lager an' drink it all out wiv a straw".
At which point Darren goes "Oh, did he?" and starts to put his jacket back on and head for the door. "Oi Darren!" says Sharon, "aren't you gonna defend my honour?" and Darren replies: "Nah, not wiv a geezer who can drink that much lager, I'm not!"

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reaches in to her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where can I get one?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went in to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

  Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."
  Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."
  Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"
  Joe: "They all died, Jim."
  Jim: "How did that happen?"
  Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
  Jim: "How terrible! And your second?"
  Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms."
  Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?"
  Joe: "Oh, no. She died of a broken neck."
  Jim: "I see, an accident."
  Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" his mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the boy wearing black..."

So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said,"I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though." Adam said,"Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Three women were granted one wish each. The first wished to be 10 times as smart, she became 10 time as smart.
The second wished to be 1,000 times as smart, she became 1,000 times as smart.
The third wished to be 1,000,000,000 times as smart, guess what? "She became a MAN"!

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn blanket.

It's late morning and the milkman is in bed with a housewife. Suddenly they see her husband coming up the drive.
"Quick, where shall I hide?" he asks, under the bed?"
"No, he always looks under the bed."
"Behind the curtain then?"
"No, he always looks there too. I know, he never looks in the wardrobe."
So he got in the wardrobe, then the husband entered the room.
"Why are you still in bed? I know you're not ill... you've got a man in here, haven't you?" He looks under the bed, nothing. Behind the curtain, nothing. Then, for the first time ever he looks in the wardrobe. There in front of him stood the milkman, stark naked, solemnly plucking at the air. "Who are you? What are you doing?" asked the husband.
"I'm from the council, sir. I'm the moth catcher," he replied.
"But you've got no clothes on." said the husband.
"Bastards."